Impian Gay Menggamit Kebuntuan

November 24th, 2009 gier

Sebenarnya, aku tak tau apa makna perkataan ‘menggamit’ tu, tapi aku pakai jugak sebab ia membuatkan title post aku ni macam glamer skit. Tapi mengikut Kamus Pelajar Edisi Kedua, menggamit to makna dia “memberikan isyarat dgn menggerak-gerakkan jari ke atas dan ke bawah: Ani ~ saya ke tempatnya.“

Makna dia tu … apa dia “Ani ~ saya ke tempatnya.“?

Tapi, macam mana pun, aku tengah nak melawan kebuntuan kepala otak aku ni yang menyebabkan aku macam tak berupaya nak menulis apa-apa buat sekian lamanya. Terutama sekali dalam bahasa omputeh. Itu sebab post aku hari ni dalam bahasa melayu. Memang tengah macet kepala aku ni.

Ada lagi satu sebab kenapa aku tulis dalam bahasa melayu, sebenarnya. Aku ada hati nak hantar satu cerpen untuk dipertimbangkan oleh penyunting bagi satu antologi baru yang akan diterbitkan oleh Matahari Books, berjudul “Orang Macam Kita“.

Antologi tersebut dicadangkan sebagai satu koleksi karya-karya tentang seksualiti alternatif di Malaysia. Dalam kata pendek, cerita-cerita pasal insan-insan gay, lesbian, transeksual, biseksual, dwi-kelamin dan lain-lain jenis yang bersabit.

Cita-cita aku ni kira tinggi la jugak, sebab sebelum ni aku tak pernah tulis cerpen, esei ataupun apa-apa jenis karangan dalam bahasa melayu selepas peperiksaan SPM aku. Masa SPM tu pun, BM aku dapat C4 ke C5. Dan aku rasa dapat gred tu terutama sekali sebab kertas karangan aku merapu tak tentu.

Tapi … itulah, memang aku tergerak sangat nak tulis cerpen untuk antologi tu. Sebab aku memang ada cerita yang nak diceritakan. Cerita yang lebih kepada memoir daripada cerpen, tapi kalau aku tulis memoir secara bulat-bulat, nanti macam tak berapa menarik. Sebab hidup biasa ni, sebenarnya taklah sehebat fiksyen secara amnya.

Sebagai kesimpulan, aku nak cerita pasal seorang jejaka (berdasarkan sikit-sikit secara longgar atas diri aku sendiri) yang bekerja di kedai 7-11 bersama-sama dengan sekumpulan gadis pengkid. Jejaka itu merupakan seorang yang naif, dan pada mulanya tidak boleh memahami bahawa ada golongan perempuan yang hanya tertarik kepada perempuan sahaja dan tidak merasa apa-apa keghairahan terhadap lelaki.

Oleh kerana kenaifan, jejaka itu berkawan dengan gerombolan pengkid-pengkid, dan tidak pernah sesekali memikirkan tentang seksualiti mereka ataupun kemungkinan yang mereka memang tidak akan ada lansung apa-apa perasaan yang boleh melangkau lebih daripada kawan terhadap dirinya.

Untuk menjadi kisah, aku nak cerita bagaimana jejaka itu semakin hari semakin tertarik kepada seorang daripada rakan pengkidnya. Rakan pengkidnya memang merasakan suka kepadanya, tetapi hanya sebagai seorang kawan baik dan tidak lebih dari itu. Tetapi jejaka itu tidak berkeupayaan untuk membezakan antara suka seorang kawan dan suka seorang gadis terhadap seorang jejaka. Naif, sungguh naif.

Aku tengah pikir lagi ni, macam mana nak buat cerita tu habis-habis sehingga ke pengakhirnya, dan aku tengah pikir kalau aku boleh buat satu denouement pada hujung cerita tu. Tapi tu dah pikir jauh sangat. Bahagian tengah pun tak habis lagi dicorakkan.

Yang lebih pentingnya, boleh ke aku tulis cerpen tu? Larat ke? Tulis post macam ni pun, dalam bahasa melayu, rasa macam nak berkecai sel-sel otak aku.

Apa-apa pun, aku kena berlatih menulis dalam bahasa melayu, dan juga perlu membaca lebih buku-buku dan cerpen-cerpen melayu. Aku dulu selalu ada baca buku ni, tajuk dia “Kupu-kupu Terbang Malam” … dan juga lain-lain buku sepertinya, tapi sekarang aku tak tahu mana nak cari buku-buku seperti itu lagi dah. Pernah jugak aku selalu beli buku-buku tulisan Khadijah Hashim, dan yang aku paling gemar buku bertajuk “Mira Edora”.

Tapi itu dulu.

Sekarang ni, aku tengok dekat kedai buku, boleh tahan jugak koleksi buku-buku novel melayu. Mungkin aku beli satu ke dua karang. Samada aku berjaya atau tidak menghantar penyertaan aku ke penyunting antologi tu, aku tak tau lagi. Tapi, angan-angan itu free, dan mungkin boleh menjadi kenyataan.

Posted in Mentera Moden | No Comments »

Warming Up

October 2nd, 2009 gier

I’ve not written anything for a while. That’s because my heid’s been smashed every way to Sunday these past few months. I need to write some shit again, but really out of practice.

But, like exercise for the body, the heid needs to be exercised too, and before exercise, it needs to do some stretching and warm-ups. I’ll be damned if I know what to warm-up with, though.

However, realising that I’ve never been accused of the crime of originality, I shall reproduce here the script of Scene 3 from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. This is as an accompaniment to the link provided earlier on FB.

It’s from a movie made in 1975, yet very much relevant as a counterpoint to … well … if you don’t know to what, you won’t get it, anyway. In short, PSM FTW.

Also, I need to figure out whether I can still spell, never mind write.

p.s. JQ, as usual, something’s in the works, dude.

Original source of script is at sacred-texts.

Scene 3

      [clop clop]
  ARTHUR:  Old woman!
  DENNIS:  Man!
  ARTHUR: Old Man, sorry.  What knight live in that castle over there?
  DENNIS:  I'm thirty seven.
  ARTHUR:  What?
  DENNIS:  I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
  ARTHUR:  Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
  DENNIS:  Well, you could say `Dennis'.
  ARTHUR:  Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.'
  DENNIS:  Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
  ARTHUR:  I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind
      you looked--
  DENNIS:  What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
  ARTHUR:  Well, I AM king...
  DENNIS:  Oh king, eh, very nice.  An' how'd you get that, eh?  By
      exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma
      which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society!
      If there's ever going to be any progress--
  WOMAN:  Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here.  Oh -- how d'you do?
  ARTHUR:  How do you do, good lady.  I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
      Who's castle is that?
  WOMAN:  King of the who?
  ARTHUR:  The Britons.
  WOMAN:  Who are the Britons?
  ARTHUR:  Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
  WOMAN:  I didn't know we had a king.  I thought we were an autonomous
      collective.
  DENNIS:  You're fooling yourself.  We're living in a dictatorship.
      A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
  WOMAN:  Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
  DENNIS:  That's what it's all about if only people would--
  ARTHUR:  Please, please good people.  I am in haste.  Who lives
      in that castle?
  WOMAN:  No one live there.
  ARTHUR:  Then who is your lord?
  WOMAN:  We don't have a lord.
  ARTHUR:  What?
  DENNIS:  I told you.  We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune.  We take
      it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
  ARTHUR:  Yes.
  DENNIS:  But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified
      at a special biweekly meeting.
  ARTHUR:  Yes, I see.
  DENNIS:  By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
  ARTHUR:  Be quiet!
  DENNIS:  --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
  ARTHUR:  Be quiet!  I order you to be quiet!
  WOMAN:  Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
  ARTHUR:  I am your king!
  WOMAN:  Well, I didn't vote for you.
  ARTHUR:  You don't vote for kings.
  WOMAN:  Well, 'ow did you become king then?
  ARTHUR:  The Lady of the Lake,
      [angels sing]
      her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur
      from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I,
      Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
      [singing stops]
      That is why I am your king!
  DENNIS:  Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
      is no basis for a system of government.  Supreme executive power
      derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical
      aquatic ceremony.
  ARTHUR:  Be quiet!
  DENNIS:  Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
      just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
  ARTHUR:  Shut up!
  DENNIS:  I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just
      because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd
      put me away!
  ARTHUR:  Shut up!  Will you shut up!
  DENNIS:  Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
  ARTHUR:  Shut up!
  DENNIS:  Oh!  Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
      HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
  ARTHUR:  Bloody peasant!
  DENNIS:  Oh, what a give away.  Did you here that, did you here that,
      eh?  That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me,
      you saw it didn't you?

Posted in Dazed and Confused, Lame Jokes | No Comments »

Di negeri orang — Taipei (bhg. II)

June 5th, 2009 gier

Semalam aku ada cakap nak cerita pasal dua restoran halal dekat dengan hotel aku, tapi aku malas. So hari ni, sebagai amal … err … aku tak ingat, bunyi macam syariah, tapi sebagai amal aku tu, aku story la skit.

Dekat dengan hotel aku ni, jalan depan sikit ada dua restoran. Satu nama dia Thai Food Garden Halal Restaurant dan lagi satu nama dia Yunus Halal Restaurant. Kedua-dua restoran ni hampir bersebelahan. Har, korang tengok lampiran Google Map yang aku tempek kat bawah ni:

Restoran halal kat Taipei (patut boleh inline je terus kat dalam blog ni, tapi aku tengah malas nak gedik Wordpress).

Sebelum aku sambung pasal restoran tu, aku nak story sikit pasal hotel aku ni. Hotel ni ada dua reception. Satu reception yang biasa punya, lagi satu reception kat tepi sikit. Aku sebenarnya heran la jugak pasal apa ada dua reception. So aku pegi tanya la kan?

Minah amoi kat reception biasa tu (nama dia Barbie. Betul, aku tak tipu) cakap kat aku reception lagi satu tu untuk orang yang datang duduk hari je, sama ada sejam ke, dua jam ke atau seterusnya tapi tak sampai lebih 8 jam.

Pelik. Agak orang kat Taipei ni suka masuk hotel dua tiga jam, lepak lepak je kot. Apa diaorang buat, ek?

Tapi takpelah, tu diaorang punya pasal.

Balik kat story restoran tu.

Dua-dua restoran ni, dia punya menu hampir sama. Malah, kalau aku pikir-pikir balik, kemungkinan persamaan dia menjangkau sehingga 99%. Mungkin yang beza cuma jenis teh dia pakai, tu pon entah-entah sama.

Lepas tu, stail dia hidang pun sama. Bekas nasi besi, dengan cawan air kosong besi. Pinggan, mangkuk, mangkuk sup, bekas dessert … sama je.

Tapi tokey lain-lain.

Aku tergerak gak nak tanya kalau diaorang ni dulu adik-beradik ke, lepas tu gaduh macam restoran daun pisang kat Sec. 11 kat PJ tu. Tapi aku pikir-pikir balik, peduli apa aku.

Tengok gambar kat bawah ni:

Benda-benda yang aku dengan geng aku makan

Meh aku describe sikit amende yang aku cekik kat salah satu restoran tu. Bermula dari atas, dan bergerak arah jam,

1. Nama dia aku tak ingat, tapi aku panggil benda tu: Lempeng udang. Sedap dan ranggup.

2. Tak tau jugak apa nama, tapi aku bagi nama: Ayam goreng garing duduk atas kobis campur dengan kicap. Best.

3. Nama aku bagi: Daging separuh cincang dalam kuah macam ada santan. Okey je yang ni.

4. Tu pinggan aku la.

5. Ni sayur kankung dengan udang kering sikit dan mungkin ada halia kot. Sayur, beb. Biasa je la.

6. Sup kobis. Tapi korang tak nampak sebab tak enter frame. Aku dah amik gambar baru teringat, lepas tu dah malas.

Untuk restoran lagi satu tu, aku ada gambar jugak, tapi aku pikir tak payah la tunjuk, sebab aku makan sama je macam kat atas, tolak lempeng udang tu.

Kenapa lempeng udang tu takde? Oh, sebab masa tu first time pegi, so aku dengan geng aku tu ikut je la mamat restoran tu kata apa. So dia bagi la ayam dengan daging tu. Lepas tu aku spy meja sebelah lantak lempeng tu macam best je.

So, bila aku migrate pegi restoran lagi satu malam tu, aku mintak lempeng tu jugak la.

Err .. aku nak buat kerja lain la pulak. Mengarut je ni.

Malam ni aku pegi lagi restoran yang aku makan lempeng tu. Sebab tadi masa lunch aku spy meja sebelah order udang campur isi ketam macam power je. Aku nak try yang tu pulak.

Posted in Mentera Moden | 4 Comments »

Di negeri orang — Taipei

June 4th, 2009 gier

Semalam aku landing kat Taipei, iaitu ibu negeri Taiwan. Taiwan juga dikenali sebagai Republic of China, tapi dia bukan negeri China. Negeri China, nama dia People’s Republic of China. Aku kat ROC, Najib kat PROC.

Jadik sebenarnya ada 2China la. Ini bukan satu yang unik, sebab kat dalam dunia ni ada 2Congo. Iye, betul, ada dua. Satu tu nama dia Democratic Republic of Congo dan lagi satu, Republic of Congo. Aku tak tipu, beb. Pegi tengok kat Wikipedia.

Apa-apa pun, aku dah tinggalkan 1Malaysia dan sekarang ni tengah lepak kat bilik hotel aku sambil tengah pikir nak buat kerja ke, atau nak tulis artikel. Sambil-sambil aku pikir ni, aku ingat saja je la nak goreng kat blog aku ni.

Walaupun aku masih dalam keadaan potoi, aku tetap jugak kena kerja dan sebab tu la aku kat sini. Aku duduk kat hotel di tengah bandar. Kat mana, kau tanya? Dekat sebelah 7-11.

Kemungkinan besar la kan, kat Taipei ni ada dalam 100,000 7-11. Tak pun lebih. Haha!

Depan hotel ada satu, belakang ada satu, tepi sikit ada lagi satu, jalan lagi sikit ada lagi satu. Gila 7-11 agaknya diaorang ni.

Pagi tadi, sebelum aku belah pegi Computex, aku pegi coffee house hotel ni, sebab nak makan breakfast. Dah bayar sekali dengan bilik, so kalau tak makan rugi la, ye tak? Sampai je kat coffee house tu, ada Auntie sorang tanya aku nak makan apa — Chinese breakfast atau American breakfast. Aku jawab, “American.”

Lepas tu, aku tanya dia breakfast American tu apa dia?

Dia cakap, “Egg and toast.” Cantik.

Aku tanya la pulak Chinese breakfast tu apa dia?

Dia cakap, “Congee.” Bleh.

Nasib baik aku mintak American.

Breakfast aku pun sampai selepas beberapa minit. Betul ada roti bakar dua keping, telur mata lembu dua keping. Tapi sebagai “value-add” ada sosej dua keping dan bacon sekeping. Aku tengah lapar tu beb! Jadik aku tolak tepi sosej dengan bacon tu, pas tu aku libas abis roti dengan telur. Boleh tahan gak sedap dia. Minyak je la banyak sikit.

Abis je lepas tu, aku belah pegi Computex.

Cerita tak abis lagi ni, tapi aku dah malas. Kena buat benda lain la pulak. Kalau aku rajin, nanti aku nak cerita pasal ada dua restoran halal dekat dengan hotel aku ni (tapi aku rasa, tak rajin punya).

Ah, potoi.

Posted in Mentera Moden | 1 Comment »

Weekend comedy: The Bomoh Diploma

April 5th, 2009 gier

It’s a Sunday evening, on the arse-end of the weekend. Are you enjoys?

Some of you are normal people, with family and stuff like that. So you probably try not to read the comics, on paper form or online. But the weekend edition of the comics also contain as much comedy as the weekday ones.

This weekend, we were treated with a piece of news which touches on one of the pet subjects here at mentera.org:  Mystic beliefs and the charlatans who propagate them.

In the online version of the mainstream comic, The Star, we chanced upon an article titled: “University to offer Islamic Medical Course“. What is an Islamic Medical Course, you ask? Well, according to the article, and we shit you not, “The aim was to train Malay healers in the true teachings of Islam and to avoid “syrik and khurafat” (polytheism) practices in some Malay-Muslim communities.” That’s according to the Director of the Ministry of Health’s Traditional and Complementary Medicine (T&CM) Division.

The director went on to say that, “the graduates, who would be certified registered practitioners, would be self-employed to treat “santau” (a kind of deadly poison coupled with magical incantations) and other spiritual problems.”

Quite.

Further, “they might also be employed in selected government institutions in the future.”

And why not, eh?

It’s a two and a half year Diploma course. So, if I took the course myself, and passed, I can then pass you a name card like this:

Gier Mentera, (Dipl. Bomohlogy, University of Ontahmano)
Bomoh, Graduan Bumiputera
Pemegang Diploma Kursus Pembomohan
Pakar dalam memulihkan Santau, Rasukan Jin, Kayap, Pukau, Melatah,
dan Lain-lain Penyakit Rohani, Jasmani dan Seksologi.
Kelulusan diiktiraf Kementerian Kesihatan Malaysia.

That would surely make you feel more confident, as I feel you up, chant mumbo-jumbo, spit on your face, read random verses from the Holy Book and so on. After all, I’d have a diploma to back me up, and one of my teachers would be Harun Din!

The Star was so excited by this news, they published it twice online, with different headlines. Here’s the other one: “Course on Islamic healing“.

The Malaysian Ministry of Health has a Traditional and Complementary Medicine Division. And we wonder why we’re doing shit at Science and Maths?

Posted in Mentera Moden, Rant | 8 Comments »

Potoi

March 13th, 2009 gier

Aku tgh potoi ni. Lama dah tak update blog bangang ni.  Bukannya aku hilang. Tapi aku MC sebab penyakit potoi.

Pagi semalam, aku pegi minum kopi 10 ringgit kat Starbucks. Kopi Yahudi. Biasa je, tapi kopi Hang Tuah lagi sedap. Masa tengah hari, masih dalam keadaan potoi, aku makan lunch kat McDonald. Makan burger Yahudi. Fail sikit lah, burger tu. Burger Wendy lagi sedap. Burger Yahudi gak tu, agaknya. Tapi, apa-apa pun, burger Ramly lagi power la aku rasa.

Aku minum air Coke. Air Yahudi. Lagipun, Pepsi Max lagi sedap. Lepas tu, air aku tumpah la pulak. Nasib baik ada tisu. Jenis Kleenex. Tisu Yahudi tu. Kalau ada tisu cap Mydin lagi serap, aku rasa.

Member aku sorang talipon aku, tanya petang nak lepak ke tak. Dia pakai talipon Nokia. Talipon Yahudi tu. Aku pakai talipon HTC, yang ada Google tu. Tapi Google tu Yahudi. Tapi HTC, Taiwan punya. Taiwan tak ada Yahudi.

Jadik aku dengan member aku pegi lepak kat Starbucks balik, petang semalam. Sebab Starbucks Yahudi tu ada internet free. Aku ngan dia pakai laptop jenis Thinkpad. Dulu Thinkpad ni, IBM punya. Yahudi tu. Tapi sekarang ni, Thinkpad ni Lenovo punya. Lenovo tu Cina. Orang Cina ni Buddhist, tak pon takde agama sebab diaorang komunis. Thinkpad kita pakai CPU Intel. Intel tu ada kilang kat Israel. Dia sokong Yahudi tu. Kat Malaysia pun ada kilang gak, tapi. Kat Kulim.

Lepas dah lepak, citer-citer skit, main Facebook skit, YM skit, kita pun belah lah. Aku nak singgah kat Marks & Spencer jap, sebab cousin aku sorang pesan mintak beli seluar spender kat dia. Dia kata Marks & Spencer punya spender best. Lembut and punya pengaliran udara yang efisien. Tapi tu spender Yahudi tu. Aku tak kisah lah. Duit dia, ye tak? Tapi kalau aku, spender Byford pon cukup bagus dah.

Dah malam, aku pegi rumah cousin aku, nak hantar spender dia, ngan nak claim duit aku balik. Cousin aku tu macam acap glamer skit. Dia keje bank, Deuch Bank ke, Douche Bank ke apa entah. Bank europe, sokong Yahudi tu. Aku penah cakap kat dia, keje la kat al-Rajhi ke, Affin ke, dia tak mau. Walaupun dia ni acap glamer, banyak duit, tapi rumah dia tu, tak penah ada apa mende nak makan, kecuali Maggi. Maggi tu Nestle punya, sama macam Nescafe dengan Nestum. Aku tak nak cakap banyak la kan, tapi Nestle tu Yahudi gak. Lain kali, baik dia beli jenis Mamee, yang ada Mawi punya gambar tu.

Apa-apa pun, kita lepak je lah, makan Maggi Yahudi tu. Sambil tengok American Idol. Pengasas American Idol tu Yahudi tu. Akademi Fantasia lagi best. Nasib baik dah nak start balik dah demam AF.

Lepas tu aku balik rumah aku. Aku tengah Limewire, download Prison Break. Tak habis-habis lagi. Lembab gila Streamyx.

Ah, potoi.

Posted in Mentera Moden | 3 Comments »

The Nation of Woo

November 10th, 2008 gier

Some time ago, at the height of the Altantuya murder case frenzy, there was a press conference at PKR HQ, where a private investigator, Balasubramaniam, announced that he had made a statutory declaration[1] regarding his appointment and activities as a PI on behalf of Razak Baginda. Of course, the dude retracted it a day later, or rather specific points of the stat dec, in a new stat dec. One of the points that was not retracted, however, is point 7, which I reproduce in full here:

7. Abdul Razak Baginda informed me that he was concerned by this as he had been advised that Altantuya Shaaribuu had been given some powers by a Mongolian ‘bomoh’ and that he could never look her in the face because of this.

It’s taken me a while to write this post, because I lived in hope that someone would make a big deal out of this, but it seems that no one (or rather, no one with authority) has until now. So much so, it has led me to believe that the vast majority of the population seems willing to accept the above statement as “normal”[2].

But then, this is a country where a “faith healer”[3] is a Member of Parliament.

This is a country where people organise sembahyang hajat to pray that a former PM be laid low by a heart attack, after he fired his DPM.

This is a country where the National Fatwa Council plans to issue guidelines on swearing[4].

This is a country where stories of haunted houses, orang minyak, toyols, pukau, and so on are accepted as mainstream.

This is the Nation of Woo.

On the plus side, we seem to be a non-discriminatory Nation of Woo, since we have people of all races and religions accepting astrology, feng shui, bomohs, witch doctors, hypnosis, The Secret, numerology, magnetic bands, psychics, ekcetera with equal credulity. No inter-Woo commission needed.

Endnotes:

[1] That’s a link to the subscription-based online comic. There are reproductions of the stat dec in full elsewhere on sites where you don’t have to pay.

[2] Either that, or most people don’t actually bother to read the declaration in full while engaging their brains.

[3] Harun Din, in case you’re wondering.

[4] When I first saw the headline, my first reaction was: “Oh, shit …!” Then I realised that it’s guidelines on how to swear on the Holy Book, at which point my reaction became: “WTF???”

Posted in Mentera Moden | 1 Comment »

Fatwa me, fatwa you, ah haa …

October 29th, 2008 gier

Not too long ago (last week in fact) the National Fatwa Council decreed that women should not wear men’s clothes. Because it may lead them to having lesbian secks with other women (who may or may not be wearing men’s clothes, or indeed any clothes at all). For some people (myself included) this ban is about as useful as a bicycle is to a fish. After all, clothes do not make a man (or a woman, dyke or otherwise). You cannot make a person gay by making him or her wear the opposite sex’s clothes. Also, homosexuality is not a disease and some might argue may not even necessarily be against the natural order of things. Further, I’d like to suggest a crazy idea for the wise mullahs in the council: maybe, just maybe, the lesbians were made by God that way? Maybe, just maybe, sexual orientation is not necessarily “obtained”, but is rather built-in? These are not new ideas for many, but it might be a new one for the mullah dudes.

Having said that, a further while back, it seems that the mullah dudes were also deliberating on the magnetic bracelets worn by men. They wanted to “meet with producers and distributors of the magnetic band and see their tests to determine if there are medicinal elements.”

The Johor Mufti then went on to say that “when the council was satisfied with the scientific and clinical tests, it would decide whether the use of the magnetic band was against Islam or not.”

I can only infer that if there were no medicinal elements found, the magnetic bands would be, well, banned. Also, I can only assume that reason for the ban would be because the bands would make men look effiminate — which may lead to ghey secks. Inferences and assumptions, dudes.

Anyway, I’d like to save the mullahs some time and effort in trying to determine the efficacy of these bands in improving blood circulation:

They don’t do squat, o’ my wise religious overlords. They’re a scam, useless quackery, pseudo-scientific trinkets. They don’t improve anyone’s circulation and in so far as anyone can tell, they don’t make you ghey, either. If magnets do improve blood circulation, we’d be putting coils around our homes and switch them on to make a huge electromagnet. Circulate that!

Finally, today there’s news that another fatwa will be produced soon, on Yoga. This is because a UKM lecturer advised Muslims “to stop practising it for fear that it could deviate them from their belief.” He suggested prayer instead. Quite.

The notion that Islam is a “way of life” has become a fashionable one these days, and it seems that the broadest interpretation of it means that personal and public space are one and the same. Not just that, it seems like many Muslims in Malaysia are welcoming the idea of having their lives regulated and “guided” by the wise mullahs and their interpretation of the religion.

Bleh! Not this guy!

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Pakatan Rakyat: A SWOT Analysis

September 24th, 2008 gier

Are you unsure whether you should be a supporter of Pakatan Rakyat? Well, we can help you by providing a SWOT (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats) analysis of the opposition coalition as they attempt to take over the government which you had (apparently inadvertently) voted for in the last elections.

A SWOT analysis is a tool used by consultants to draw tables in their reports for their clients, or when they decide that a report does not have enough bullet points. Additionally, it is also a tool for the consultants to indicate to their clients that they, the clients, should pay the consultants a lot of money. So, a SWOT for Pakatan Rakyat would look like this:

So, there you have it, a brief SWOT analysis of a potential Pakatan Rakyat government. We hope that it has helped in your decision making process.

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A New Dawn

September 16th, 2008 gier

Yessss!!! Today is Malaysia Day, the country comprising of the Persekutuan Tanah Melayu, Sabah, Sarawak and Singapore. Except Singapore is now ex-Malaysia. After the General Election on 8th March 2008, the people of this country had been promised – repeatedly, incessantly, without let – that today, 16th September 2008 a new dawn will emerge. We were promised – repeatedly, incessantly, without let – that after 51 years of being led by the same racial-based government, a new beginning will emerge.

The people of Malaysia was reminded – repeatedly, incessantly, without let – that on the 16th of September (insyaAllah!) a new, non-racial-based government will be put into place, one that is not delineated by parties which represent exclusively the Malays (UMNO), the Chinese (MCA), the Indians (MIC), the Malays, Chinese, Indians and Others (Gerakan, PPP, err … ) and the, uh, other parties (PBS, PBB, SAPP, some more, some more, ekcetera). We were informed – repeatedly, incessantly, without let – that a new coalition which represents (sort of) left-wing social democrats that believe in a secular Malaysia (DAP), (sort of) right-wing neo-fundamentalist killjoy conservative Islamists (PAS) and (sort of) right of centre, cult of personality, equal rights to everyone, all children of every race are my children, justice forever (PKR) will unseat the current, ossified and putrid, ruling coalition.

And yesssss! the new government today, 16th September 2008, will be one founded on transparency, accountability, competency. It will be fair to all races, all sections of society, without fear or favour, while protecting the special position of the Malays and other indigenous peoples, as well as the position of the Malay Rulers.

This new government will abolish the ISA, restore the independence of the Judiciary, ensure equal distribution of wealth to the people, abolish poverty, rejuvenate the economy, remove the Printing and Publications Act, the University and University Colleges Act as well as other unfair, cruel and draconian acts which impinge on the freedom of the people.

And because the new government recognises that there might be ethical and moral questions on the manner in which they seized government, today 16th September 2008 (Malaysia Day), there is a committment to hold a new General Election within 6 months to a year. So that this new government will obtain a proper mandate from the people, many of whom have supported them from before the 8th March General Election to this fateful day, 16th September 2008, where a new dawn, a new beginning, a new Government is formed!

Furthermore, this Pakatan Rakyat Government is a government of the people, to serve the people. And the leaders of this new, social democratic secularist Islamist centrist government WILL NOT LIE TO THE PEOPLE.

16th September was the date, which is today. We see that the leaders have not lied, about the number of cross-overs that they’ve got. The leaders have not lied about the change of government on 16th September.

And that’s why, today, 16th. September, Malaysia Day, the fateful day …

We still have the same government we did yesterday.

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