The Tale of The Holy Preacher Medicine Man and The Djinn & Bunian Bus

January 8th, 2008 gier

So, this one time I was told a story by a friend. He swears that it was true. The story goes like this:

A housing developer had a tract of land in the Klang Valley that they wanted to raze and develop into a housing estate. At the time, the land was just wild growth and a bit of jungle here and there. In the way of these things, the developer sent in the bulldozers and tractors. The Indonesian labourers came in, building their little shanties, since the developers were tight shites (like all the others) and such are things done in our fair land.

When the houses were ready, people started to move in and before long, there were talk by the residents that the place was “keras”. That there were “makhluk halus” in the variety of djinns and bunians[1]. The talk was that the housing estate was formerly the demesne of the aforementioned spirit peoples (hereafter referred to as the ghaibs), and after it was destroyed to make way for the homes of the mortals, the ghaibs remained loose, wrenched from their familiar land and occasionally passing through the veil between the worlds, wreaking havoc in the lives of the mortals. These ghaibs, so it was said, was justifiably angry at having their land destroyed, and this explained their terrorist tendencies.

Now, since the ghaibs are not exactly recognised as people, they couldn’t very well have gone to the courts to register their rights, for after all, they don’t have any rights in the physical world. Further, there was no known physical methods for forced eviction of spirit entities … except one.

One of the residents mentioned to the others that he knew of a man. A holy man who was also a healer. This man did not use physical means to heal his patients, but instead used ayat Qur’an and hadiths. Guided by the Holy Book and sunnah, the holy man could cure many ailments. Due to his holiness and spirituality, he could also transcend the veil and speak to the spirits. After all, according to the holy man, some ailments are not caused by physical means, but instead originate from the spiritual realm.

This holy man, said the resident, is the man who can conduct an exorcism for their blighted taman, and remove the ghaibs so that the ghaibs will never terrorise the mortals of the taman again. Bereft of any other choice, the residents agreed that the holy man should be contacted, and a whip-round was organised in order to be able to pay his fees.

A delegation went to see the holy man (whose “clinic” is situated south of Kuala Lumpur). They spoke to him of their plight and the holy man agreed to look into it, and insyaAllah (by the grace of God), solve their problem.

So it transpired that the holy man went to the taman. He looked, he sat, he stood, he walked and was driven. He recited selected verses from the Qur’an. After some time, the holy man pronounced to the residents that he will have to talk to the ghaibs, and it will have to be done in the dark of night before dawn — for that was when the veil is thinnest.

It was 5 a.m. and under the light of portable flourescent lamps and torches, the holy man sat in a playground in the taman and conducted his conversation with the ghaibs. The residents and the holy man’s retinue stayed a respectful distance back. After some time, the azan (call for prayers) of Subuh was heard coming from the Tannoy of the surau. The holy man stood up and told the people gathered that the conversation was over and they should all decamp to the surau for prayers. As the group walked to the surau, the holy man said that the ghaibs will also be joining them, since the ghaibs were Muslims too. But he said that the residents are not to worry about leaving gaps in the saf, since the ghaibs use very little space, and in any event, they can form their line at the back of the rest of the jemaah.

After Subuh prayers, led by the holy man, he turned around to face the residents (well, the Muslim ones anyway[2]). He said to the residents that the ghaibs were upset and unhappy at having their land taken away. He told the ghaibs that what’s done is done and they cannot have their wild growth and jungle back, and that the mortals were there to stay. The holy man then offered the ghaibs to take them away, to another place as yet not denuded by the crass materialistic needs of the mortals, where the jungle is lush, the streams were (relatively) clear and chlorine free. A place where they can live their ephemeral lives to the full.

The ghaibs accepted the offer, said the holy man. They accepted because they had no other choice and they were not happy tormenting the residents anyway. Because the ghaibs knew that it was un-Islamic.

So, the next night, late in the night, near to dawn when the veil is thinnest, the holy man arrived again to the taman. This time, he came with a bus. It was a 60-seater with the words “Bas Pesiaran” emblazoned on the sides. It was fully air-conditioned and had a TV with a DVD player. But that was by the by.

The bus followed the holy man, who was driven in a luxury 4×4 to the playground. The holy man got out and sat down on the ground and recited several verses from the Qur’an again. Then he called out to the ghaibs. He then instructed the bus driver to open the doors to the bus, and the holy man stood outside the bus. Like a conductor taking travel tickets from passengers. He opened his arms and told the ghaibs to get on the transport, where they will be brought to their new home. After several minutes, he instructed the bus driver to close the doors.

It was said that the bus driver refused to close the doors, because he had the heebie jeebies, on account of having spirit passengers. But the holy man and a few of his retinue climbed aboard as well, and then the driver was pacified, thus closing the doors. The holy man and his acolytes sat at the front of the bus, whereupon the driver put on a VCD[3] and started the journey.

It is unclear as to where the final destination was, but the talk among the residents was that the ghaibs were transported to a federal reserve jungle near Batang Berjuntai. The ghaibs were, in effect, put in a reservation.

It is not known whether they were then given a casino license.

And that, gentle readers, is the tale of the holy preacher medicine man and the Djinn & Bunian bus.

Coda: Recently, I was told that the holy man had a heart problem which needed an operation. Ostensibly, as a healer, he cannot heal himself, so he went under the knife of a top surgeon in the USA. Alhamdulillah, the operation was a success, and the holy man returned to continue bringing faith and healing to us plebs.

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[1] I have no idea what bunians really are. Some kind of faerie, I guess.

[2] It was not told to me whether the non-Muslim residents were experiencing the same problems or not, and whether if they did, they employed their own exorcists too.

[3] The VCD was a Hindi movie, it was said. Either Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Gham or Kuch Kuch Hota Hai[4].

[4] Okay, so I made that up[5].

[5] Okay, so I made it all up[6].

[6] But it’s “Based on a True Story”.

Posted in Mentera Moden | 5 Comments »

The Case of the “Holy Water”

January 7th, 2008 gier

So, this one time, I received an email from a long time friend. We were in a mailing list, a bunch of us and the list was mainly used to distribute … let’s call it “naughty jpegs”. Anyway, this one email was similar to most of the other emails in that it had a picture of a woman included. However, instead of the usual “This chick is hot”, “Mmm … look at those jugs” comments, the message was entirely more nefarious.

According to the original author of the email (the identity of which was lost after multiple forwards), there is a church near Universiti Putra Malaysia (UPM) which had been sending out missionaries into the university to convert the (obviously weak) Malays into Christianity, turning them into apostates (MURTAD!). The most popular tactic used was the employment of hot Malay girls (who had been converted previously) to seduce these poor boys.

The girls would get the boys all horny and lustful, after which they’d take the boys to their homes and feed them “holy water” blessed by the head priest of the church … in fact, there was intimation that the holy water was even probably blessed by the chief priests in the Vatican. Further, the email asserted, upon drinking the holy water, the boys would then renounce Islam and convert into Christians.

The author then exhorted the Malay-Muslims to “tangani gejala angkara Kristian ini” (this blight brought upon by the Christians) who are bent on destroying not just the moral values of our good boys, but to also turn them away from Islam! The email concluded with the aforementioned attachment of the woman, because she was ostensibly one of the seductresses employed by the church.

It got me riled up, obviously. I replied back to the list, pointing out that if the “holy water” actually worked, then the author had just validated the Christian religion, blessed as the water was by the Christian God. And if it was that easy to turn someone into Christianity, then gimme some of that God juice. I also pointed out that it’s amazing that the entire world is not yet Christian (and I make the assumption that these are Catholic Christians as well, since the water may have come from the Vatican) since all they had to do was spike the water supply in every nation and it’d be a done deal.

Further, who was that woman in the jpeg? Did anyone know? Would it not be a sin to distribute her pics (delectable as she was) and accusing her of being a seductress and missionary without even a shred of proof?

And finally, how is it that so many educated, successful Malays fall for this shite?

Posted in Mentera Moden | 2 Comments »