Mentera — Nil Illegitimo Carborundum!

Statutory Declaration by gier of mentera.org

I, gier of mentera.org … do solemnly and sincerely declare as follows:

1. I am of sound mind and relatively good health, and am not given to delusions or hallucinations.

2. My cigarette of choice is Camel Filters, though if I’ve run out and desperate for a fag, any cancer stick will do.

3. I was recently driving to a meeting in Putrajaya, by way of Cyberjaya, coming from Petaling Jaya when I saw by the side of the road what looked like a fairy.

4. The fairy was staring at me with a “come hither” look, but since I was late and was with a colleague, decided to ignore the look and drove on straight.

5. After a few days thinking about the encounter with the fairy, I decided to dismiss the incident as an optical illusion. Also, since I did not want to seem like a drama queen, I felt it was best to not mention it to anyone.

6. However, it seemed that the fairy had noticed me noticing her and a couple of nights ago, while I was sleeping, I was forcefully abducted by the fairy and taken to an unknown place.

7. I was rendered unconscious during the abduction, and when I came to, I discovered myself lying face down on a platform in what looked like a sterile, totally white, room.

8. I was tethered to the platform by secure straps, leaving only restricted mobility. I was also totally naked.

9. With great difficulty due to the reduced mobility, I managed to look around the room where I detected a mechanical contraption mounted on the ceiling. The contraption looked like it was made of some kind of alloy, possibly titanium or some other exotic metal.

10. The contraption also had a long, slim rod which was positioned right on my anus, which caused me some trepidation.

11. Suddenly, there was a tiny mechanical sound, followed by a buzzing and I suddenly felt the rod moving towards my arsehole, causing me to flex the muscles in my buttocks, resulting in a clenching action.

12. However, my efforts were in vain, as I felt the tip of the rod reach my anal orifice. The tip then spouted a small filament which travelled into the orifice and wormed itself inside my body.

13. While I am unable to physically observe this, I would like to state that I could feel something moving inside me.

14. After what seemed like hours, though it could probably have only been minutes, the filament was retracted back into the rod, and the rod was withdrawn from my butthole.

15. A few minutes later, the fairy that I encountered a few days earlier appeared through a hole in one of the walls. The hole was not present before he entered and disappeared again without any seams once he completed his entry.

16. The fairy then spoke to me, first in Bangladeshi, then in Javanese followed by Hokkien, Tamil, Tagalog, Myanmarese and finally English. She (or indeed, he, since the fairy seemed rather androgynous) continued to speak in English when he discovered that I showed recognition of her words.

17. The fairy explained to me that he was not a mythical fairy, nor is he what is considered, euphemistically, a “fairy”, “fag”, “she-male”, “tranny”, “shit-stabber”, “village people”, “brokeback mountain”, “poof” or plain homosexual. He was, and still is I am sure, an alien from outer space. The planet designated CLHZ-001×5 from beyond the Oort Cloud to be exact, using our own nomenclature for classifying planets and stars.

18. The fairy then further exposited to me that I was selected to be experimented on, by way of an anal probe, as part of their scientific research activities on planets within the Milky Way. He then assured me that I was not in any way physically impacted apart from maybe some slight discomfort for a few days when I need to take a dump.

19. I was then stunned by what seemed like a phaser gun and lost consciousness.

20. When I came to again, I discovered that I was returned back to my bed, in the same night. Before stunning me, the fairy said that he would do a mind wipe of my brain so that I will not remember what was done to me, but it must have malfunctioned, for I remember every single detail.

21. Further to that, during the conversation, he said that he had employed what is equivalent to a bomoh to put a hex on me, so that I would be unable to look at his face nor focus on any parts of his anatomy. However, his bomoh must have been ineffective, for I found myself unaffected by any magick or hex.

22. I am currently emotionally distraught, and am consistently seeking the solace and comfort of hot, nubile, big-breasted women to calm my frayed nerves.

23. The purpose of this statutory declaration is to:

1) Record my disappointment and feelings of affrontedness at being so abused.

2) Bring to the notice of the relevant authorities that the fairy alien had violated my basic human rights, and should therefore be charged under whatever law — local, international, terrestrial or extra-terrestrial — for this offense.

3) State my refusal to be tested or examined by any medical personnel at the KL General Hospital or any other hospital or specialist centres, unless the fairy alien presents himself (or, indeed, herself) and demands for it to be done.

4) Express my concern that such blatant intrusion of our country’s air space and land can be done with impunity by gay-looking alien lifeforms and that such action should be taken to prevent these types of incidents again.

5) Demand that the poof come back down to earth so that I can give her (or, indeed, him) the whatfor.

24. And I make this solemn declaration conscientiously believing the same be true and by virtue of the provisions of the Statutory Declaration Act 1960.

gier of mentera.org

03 July 2008

Thursday, July 3rd, 2008, by gier and is filed under "Lame Jokes, Mentera Moden ". You can leave a response here, or send a Trackback from your own site.