Warming Up

October 2nd, 2009 gier

I’ve not written anything for a while. That’s because my heid’s been smashed every way to Sunday these past few months. I need to write some shit again, but really out of practice.

But, like exercise for the body, the heid needs to be exercised too, and before exercise, it needs to do some stretching and warm-ups. I’ll be damned if I know what to warm-up with, though.

However, realising that I’ve never been accused of the crime of originality, I shall reproduce here the script of Scene 3 from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. This is as an accompaniment to the link provided earlier on FB.

It’s from a movie made in 1975, yet very much relevant as a counterpoint to … well … if you don’t know to what, you won’t get it, anyway. In short, PSM FTW.

Also, I need to figure out whether I can still spell, never mind write.

p.s. JQ, as usual, something’s in the works, dude.

Original source of script is at sacred-texts.

Scene 3

      [clop clop]
  ARTHUR:  Old woman!
  DENNIS:  Man!
  ARTHUR: Old Man, sorry.  What knight live in that castle over there?
  DENNIS:  I'm thirty seven.
  ARTHUR:  What?
  DENNIS:  I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
  ARTHUR:  Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
  DENNIS:  Well, you could say `Dennis'.
  ARTHUR:  Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.'
  DENNIS:  Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
  ARTHUR:  I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind
      you looked--
  DENNIS:  What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
  ARTHUR:  Well, I AM king...
  DENNIS:  Oh king, eh, very nice.  An' how'd you get that, eh?  By
      exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma
      which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society!
      If there's ever going to be any progress--
  WOMAN:  Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here.  Oh -- how d'you do?
  ARTHUR:  How do you do, good lady.  I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
      Who's castle is that?
  WOMAN:  King of the who?
  ARTHUR:  The Britons.
  WOMAN:  Who are the Britons?
  ARTHUR:  Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
  WOMAN:  I didn't know we had a king.  I thought we were an autonomous
      collective.
  DENNIS:  You're fooling yourself.  We're living in a dictatorship.
      A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
  WOMAN:  Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
  DENNIS:  That's what it's all about if only people would--
  ARTHUR:  Please, please good people.  I am in haste.  Who lives
      in that castle?
  WOMAN:  No one live there.
  ARTHUR:  Then who is your lord?
  WOMAN:  We don't have a lord.
  ARTHUR:  What?
  DENNIS:  I told you.  We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune.  We take
      it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
  ARTHUR:  Yes.
  DENNIS:  But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified
      at a special biweekly meeting.
  ARTHUR:  Yes, I see.
  DENNIS:  By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
  ARTHUR:  Be quiet!
  DENNIS:  --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
  ARTHUR:  Be quiet!  I order you to be quiet!
  WOMAN:  Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
  ARTHUR:  I am your king!
  WOMAN:  Well, I didn't vote for you.
  ARTHUR:  You don't vote for kings.
  WOMAN:  Well, 'ow did you become king then?
  ARTHUR:  The Lady of the Lake,
      [angels sing]
      her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur
      from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I,
      Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
      [singing stops]
      That is why I am your king!
  DENNIS:  Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
      is no basis for a system of government.  Supreme executive power
      derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical
      aquatic ceremony.
  ARTHUR:  Be quiet!
  DENNIS:  Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
      just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
  ARTHUR:  Shut up!
  DENNIS:  I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just
      because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd
      put me away!
  ARTHUR:  Shut up!  Will you shut up!
  DENNIS:  Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
  ARTHUR:  Shut up!
  DENNIS:  Oh!  Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
      HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
  ARTHUR:  Bloody peasant!
  DENNIS:  Oh, what a give away.  Did you here that, did you here that,
      eh?  That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me,
      you saw it didn't you?

Posted in Dazed and Confused, Lame Jokes | No Comments »

Statutory Declaration by gier of mentera.org

July 3rd, 2008 gier

I, gier of mentera.org … do solemnly and sincerely declare as follows:

1. I am of sound mind and relatively good health, and am not given to delusions or hallucinations.

2. My cigarette of choice is Camel Filters, though if I’ve run out and desperate for a fag, any cancer stick will do.

3. I was recently driving to a meeting in Putrajaya, by way of Cyberjaya, coming from Petaling Jaya when I saw by the side of the road what looked like a fairy.

4. The fairy was staring at me with a “come hither” look, but since I was late and was with a colleague, decided to ignore the look and drove on straight.

5. After a few days thinking about the encounter with the fairy, I decided to dismiss the incident as an optical illusion. Also, since I did not want to seem like a drama queen, I felt it was best to not mention it to anyone.

6. However, it seemed that the fairy had noticed me noticing her and a couple of nights ago, while I was sleeping, I was forcefully abducted by the fairy and taken to an unknown place.

7. I was rendered unconscious during the abduction, and when I came to, I discovered myself lying face down on a platform in what looked like a sterile, totally white, room.

8. I was tethered to the platform by secure straps, leaving only restricted mobility. I was also totally naked.

9. With great difficulty due to the reduced mobility, I managed to look around the room where I detected a mechanical contraption mounted on the ceiling. The contraption looked like it was made of some kind of alloy, possibly titanium or some other exotic metal.

10. The contraption also had a long, slim rod which was positioned right on my anus, which caused me some trepidation.

11. Suddenly, there was a tiny mechanical sound, followed by a buzzing and I suddenly felt the rod moving towards my arsehole, causing me to flex the muscles in my buttocks, resulting in a clenching action.

12. However, my efforts were in vain, as I felt the tip of the rod reach my anal orifice. The tip then spouted a small filament which travelled into the orifice and wormed itself inside my body.

13. While I am unable to physically observe this, I would like to state that I could feel something moving inside me.

14. After what seemed like hours, though it could probably have only been minutes, the filament was retracted back into the rod, and the rod was withdrawn from my butthole.

15. A few minutes later, the fairy that I encountered a few days earlier appeared through a hole in one of the walls. The hole was not present before he entered and disappeared again without any seams once he completed his entry.

16. The fairy then spoke to me, first in Bangladeshi, then in Javanese followed by Hokkien, Tamil, Tagalog, Myanmarese and finally English. She (or indeed, he, since the fairy seemed rather androgynous) continued to speak in English when he discovered that I showed recognition of her words.

17. The fairy explained to me that he was not a mythical fairy, nor is he what is considered, euphemistically, a “fairy”, “fag”, “she-male”, “tranny”, “shit-stabber”, “village people”, “brokeback mountain”, “poof” or plain homosexual. He was, and still is I am sure, an alien from outer space. The planet designated CLHZ-001×5 from beyond the Oort Cloud to be exact, using our own nomenclature for classifying planets and stars.

18. The fairy then further exposited to me that I was selected to be experimented on, by way of an anal probe, as part of their scientific research activities on planets within the Milky Way. He then assured me that I was not in any way physically impacted apart from maybe some slight discomfort for a few days when I need to take a dump.

19. I was then stunned by what seemed like a phaser gun and lost consciousness.

20. When I came to again, I discovered that I was returned back to my bed, in the same night. Before stunning me, the fairy said that he would do a mind wipe of my brain so that I will not remember what was done to me, but it must have malfunctioned, for I remember every single detail.

21. Further to that, during the conversation, he said that he had employed what is equivalent to a bomoh to put a hex on me, so that I would be unable to look at his face nor focus on any parts of his anatomy. However, his bomoh must have been ineffective, for I found myself unaffected by any magick or hex.

22. I am currently emotionally distraught, and am consistently seeking the solace and comfort of hot, nubile, big-breasted women to calm my frayed nerves.

23. The purpose of this statutory declaration is to:

1) Record my disappointment and feelings of affrontedness at being so abused.

2) Bring to the notice of the relevant authorities that the fairy alien had violated my basic human rights, and should therefore be charged under whatever law — local, international, terrestrial or extra-terrestrial — for this offense.

3) State my refusal to be tested or examined by any medical personnel at the KL General Hospital or any other hospital or specialist centres, unless the fairy alien presents himself (or, indeed, herself) and demands for it to be done.

4) Express my concern that such blatant intrusion of our country’s air space and land can be done with impunity by gay-looking alien lifeforms and that such action should be taken to prevent these types of incidents again.

5) Demand that the poof come back down to earth so that I can give her (or, indeed, him) the whatfor.

24. And I make this solemn declaration conscientiously believing the same be true and by virtue of the provisions of the Statutory Declaration Act 1960.

gier of mentera.org

03 July 2008

Posted in Lame Jokes, Mentera Moden | 2 Comments »

Workers Revolution! – A Welcome to the People’s Democratic Socialist Republic of Sg. Siput!

March 11th, 2008 gier

In the recently concluded General Election, a new era, a new dawn, a tsunami, and a whole host of other cliches began in Malaysia. Oh yes! For Comrade Jeyakumar, Central Committee Member of Parti Sosialis Malaysia was elected as the beloved leader of Sg. Siput. In this joyous and momentous occasion, we at mentera.org would like to remind our comrades that the revolution is not yet over. Today, Sg. Siput is just a parliamentary seat but we must work together so that we can secede from the brutal and oppressive capitalist state of Malaysia and build the People’s Democratic Socialist Republic of Sg. Siput!

Now that the capitalistic and oppressive Chairman of Maika Holdings have been removed from power, we urge Comrade Kumar to continue the struggle against oppression of the working class by the self-centred, oppressive, brutal and hubristic central government. We have every confidence in Comrade Kumar, to defend the rights of the estate workers, the downtrodden, the single mothers, the Orang Asli,the downtrodden, the working class and the entire constituency of Sg. Siput who have been neglected. And downtrodden.

For too long, the people of Sg. Siput have been at the mercy of the rapacious and greedy capitalist “rulers” and they have finally said No More! And they have chosen to embrace the revolutionary struggle, to become comrades in the fight against oppression, capitalism, cronyism, nepotism, oppression, racism, corruption and oppression!

The Working Class Movement moves apace for the working class!

Comrade Kumar and the People of Sg. Siput, we raise a clenched fist and salute you!

Long Live Socialism!

Workers of the World, Unite!

–

Endnote: I know I’m just trying to be funny, but if you have the time, check out PSM’s site. As the maintainer of the Other Malaysia website, I can say that it is no accident that PSM is the only political party that we link to.

Posted in Lame Jokes, Mentera Moden, Politics | 5 Comments »

Pr0n in Kelantan is a bust, or is it?

December 3rd, 2007 gier

Looking at that paragon of impartial reporting, the New Straits Times, we find today an article full of integrity regarding a bust of a porn ring in Kota Bharu, Kelantan. Well, not so much a porn ring as a single vendor, but “porn ring” makes it sound more delicious than it is. But what is most important is the details of the misguided entrepeneur.

The “perp” is a 31-year old pasar malam trader. And no, he wasn’t peddling smut at the pasar malam. Oh no, he wasn’t. He had an online smut business.

To quote the Director for Kelantan’s branch of KPDNHEP, “Customers would place their orders through the Internet and banked in the money into his account. Only after they had sent the bank receipt as proof of payment would the goods be sent off via Poslaju.”

It is a fantastic example of the power of the Interweb, and the case of supply meeting demand. And, for what it’s worth, Kelantan seems to be the leader in embracing the k-Economy in the connected e-World, incorporating supply chain management techniques, allied with fast, efficient customer relationship, to achieve win-win synergy in the peddling of smut. They just need to work on secrecy better.

Further, it should be noted that even with the capture of this intrepid entrepreneur, one would imagine that the people of Kelantan (and the rest of the country) would still be able to obtain smut. If nothing else, Kelantan is also the leader in this area, as seen in the study below[1]:

Google Trends results for seks melayu and sex melayu

You can change Pantai Cinta Berahi to Pantai Cahaya Bulan … but it doesn’t matter.

[1] Caveat: Google Trends is not a reliable indicator of anything. Don’t take it seriously.

Posted in Lame Jokes, Mentera Moden | 1 Comment »

“The Secret” is a piece of rubbish

November 27th, 2007 gier

Every now and then, I get people mentioning “The Secret”/Law of Attraction to me. I cannot put into words better than Catherine Bennett of the Guardian newspaper in the UK what I think of it. I reproduce a portion of her article here:

The Secret is not just a moronic hymn to greed and selfishness; it nastily suggests that victims of catastrophe are the authors of their misfortunes. Even Moira Stewart. And anyone who happened to be starved, bombed, or herded into a death camp at the same time as thousands of others. “By the law of attraction,” explains an expert on this law, “they had to be on the same frequency as the event.” Just a twiddle with their personal thought frequencies, and everyone in the cattle trucks could have been attracting friends, high grades, and lovely new cars instead.

Were it that I could be as eloquent as Ms. Bennett.

So, please stop asking me if I’ve read “The Secret” and any other similar pseudoscientific, self-help, spiritually uplifting blethering twaddle.

Posted in Lame Jokes, Rant | No Comments »

Sempena Mesyuarat Agung Tahunan UMNO — Mempersembahkan … UMTEAM!

October 31st, 2007 gier

Seperti yang kita maklum, Mesyuarat Agung Tahunan UMNO akan berlansung tidak lama lagi. Sejurus daripada itu, memetik daripada wawancara yang telah dilakukan bersama Dato’ Norza Zakaria di Malaysiakini tidak lama dulu, dan juga berdasarkan kepada liputan wawancara tersebut di blog ini, pihak penganalisa MILF-PRON telah menyiapkan “team-sheet” untuk pasukan UMNO-TEAM (UMTEAM) yang dijangka akan bergasak sesama sendiri dan juga mana-mana lawan — tak kira musuh (seperti PKR, PAS, DAP), ataupun sekutu (GERAKAN, PPP). Sila tatapi “team-sheet” yang diberikan dibawah (klik pada imej untuk yang lebih besar):

Seperti yang dapat kita lihat, UMTEAM menggunakan susunan 4-3-3, dengan Dato’ Abdullah sebagai penyerang utama, disokong oleh sayap kiri dan kanan. Bahagian tengah padang di kuasai oleh Dato’ Shahrizat, bersama dengan Dato’ Hamid Albar dan Dato’ Radzi Sheikh Ahmad. Barisan pertahanan pula mempraktikkan “diamond formation” yang mana Dato’ Seri Najib Razak menduduki posisi “overlapping left-back” supaya dia boleh menghidupkan falsafah “out from left field” dan menggegarkan lawan.

Penjaga gol, tidak lain tidak bukan lagi … Dato’ Seri Nazri Aziz. Yang merisaukan pada prestasi Dato’ Nazri ialah kebolehannya untuk menjaringkan gol sendiri …

Barisan simpanan adalah wawasan MILF-PRON berdasarkan wawancara yang disebut di atas. Kita dapati yang Dato’ Mukhriz ada di tepi sedikit. Ini adalah kerana, pada pendapat kami, Dato’ Mukhriz kalau boleh ingin di “transfer” ke pasukan lain, tetapi oleh kerana tiada pasukan lain yang “credible”, dan juga pasukan UMNO (Baru) ini diasaskan oleh penyerang/pertahanan terbaik mereka yang juga merupakan bapanya sendiri (Tun Mahathir), maka memanglah tiada pasukan lain yang dapat disertainya.

Adalah dijangka bahawa sekiranya pemain simpanan lain, pada satu hari nanti dapat menjadi “first Eleven”, Dato’ Mukhriz mungkin akan di “drop” kan. Entahlah beb.

Sekian analisa “team-sheet” UMTEAM oleh penganalisa Mentera Institute of Learning Foundation for Political Research On Nationalism, MILF-PRON.

Terima Kasih.

Posted in Lame Jokes, MILF-PRON, Politics | 5 Comments »

mentera.org Now Offers To Buy Your PizzaHut Pizza For YOU!

October 17th, 2007 gier

According to this blog entry, PizzaHut has a “Race:” section on the bill. Haris received an email, detailing the alleged use of the “Race:” section. Apparently, and allegedly, if you’re a Malay (nee’ Bumiputra), you don’t need to pay service charges or tax. If you’re, say, Chinese, Indian or Dan Lain-lain, then you kena.

Is this true? Can it be true? Surely not.

However, if it is true, then we here at mentera.org[1] offer our services to the non-Malays who want to eat at PizzaHut. We shall go there with you, order for you … and instead of paying those guys service and govt. tax (which would be 15% of the meal cost), just pay us 7.5% (plus out of pocket expenses, of course). We won’t even eat with you, though if you think we should, we’d be happy to oblige.

[1] Who are of the right race, religion, colour and creed … [2]

[2] Truth be told, I am uncertain of my ancestry. Am some sort of mongrel. Mack is a true blue (well, dark brown actually) Malabari, but his IC says he’s a Malay (by inference). I wanted to file a dispute at the NRD, but they said that they don’t actually have any dispute resolution forms on account of the fact that one’s race is indisputably categorised by the govt.

Posted in Lame Jokes, Mentera Moden | 4 Comments »

When you find yourself thinking along communal lines …

May 10th, 2007 gier

Something was bothering me about my post yesterday, and after thinking over it, I discovered what it was: I was blethering about bantai-ing other Malaysians. Amazing! There I was thinking that I’m a fairly race-agnostic kinda guy, and I go off about beating the shit out of my Chinese, Indian and Dan Lain-lain brothers and sisters. That I want to do it fairly and squarely was beside the point. The fact that I want to do it at all is really embarrassing.

It all goes to show that the way Malaysia has been set up is so divisive that without even realising it, we can find ourselves thinking along communal lines. Just about the only area in which I think Malaysians don’t think along communal lines is in sport. We are mainly united in supporting our sporting heroes — like Manchester United, Chelsea, Brazil, and the odd Malaysian doubles in badminton. Oh, and Nicol David (because she’s hot).

And in 1996 it was, I think, our local footballers were united in accepting bribes to fix games in the Malaysian League. I recall players from all races were banned for life. It warms the cockles of my heart when I think about that, and the fact that until today, Malaysian football is yet to recover. After all, if we still had an amazing local league like in the ’70s and ’80s, we could all have been in Stadium Merdeka watching Selangor beat Singapore in the final, instead of quaffing Tiger beer on Saturday nights watching the English Premier League, wearing pirated copies of English clubs’ jerseys.

Anyhow, I would like to sincerely apologise to all my Malaysian brothers and sisters for such a terrible post. Especially to the Indians, because they will become our new overlords according to Tengku Adnan. We should all unite, together, in body and spirit. We should band together as a single, unified front. So that we can then all go and bantai the Thais for beating us regularly in sepak takraw and the Singaporeans for … well … being Singaporeans.

Posted in Lame Jokes, Rant | No Comments »

Mentera.org now accepting blogger registration

April 5th, 2007 gier

As many of you would have read by now, bloggers may be required to register “with the authorities” (you cannot make this up …). To that end, we here at mentera.org have decided to be helpful and created the form below. All entries will be handled and processed by our newly set up institute, the Mentera Institute of Learning Foundation for Political Research On Nationalism (MILF-PRON).

Mentera Blogger Registration Form

If you answered yes to the above, please fill in the details below:

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Lame Jokes, MILF-PRON | 6 Comments »

A lightbulb joke

March 8th, 2007 gier

This is not an original, and I don’t know who the original author is. I got this from the fortune program running on my laptop.

Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

Quite apropos, I thought.

Posted in Lame Jokes | 1 Comment »