Weekend comedy: The Bomoh Diploma

April 5th, 2009 gier

It’s a Sunday evening, on the arse-end of the weekend. Are you enjoys?

Some of you are normal people, with family and stuff like that. So you probably try not to read the comics, on paper form or online. But the weekend edition of the comics also contain as much comedy as the weekday ones.

This weekend, we were treated with a piece of news which touches on one of the pet subjects here at mentera.org:  Mystic beliefs and the charlatans who propagate them.

In the online version of the mainstream comic, The Star, we chanced upon an article titled: “University to offer Islamic Medical Course“. What is an Islamic Medical Course, you ask? Well, according to the article, and we shit you not, “The aim was to train Malay healers in the true teachings of Islam and to avoid “syrik and khurafat” (polytheism) practices in some Malay-Muslim communities.” That’s according to the Director of the Ministry of Health’s Traditional and Complementary Medicine (T&CM) Division.

The director went on to say that, “the graduates, who would be certified registered practitioners, would be self-employed to treat “santau” (a kind of deadly poison coupled with magical incantations) and other spiritual problems.”

Quite.

Further, “they might also be employed in selected government institutions in the future.”

And why not, eh?

It’s a two and a half year Diploma course. So, if I took the course myself, and passed, I can then pass you a name card like this:

Gier Mentera, (Dipl. Bomohlogy, University of Ontahmano)
Bomoh, Graduan Bumiputera
Pemegang Diploma Kursus Pembomohan
Pakar dalam memulihkan Santau, Rasukan Jin, Kayap, Pukau, Melatah,
dan Lain-lain Penyakit Rohani, Jasmani dan Seksologi.
Kelulusan diiktiraf Kementerian Kesihatan Malaysia.

That would surely make you feel more confident, as I feel you up, chant mumbo-jumbo, spit on your face, read random verses from the Holy Book and so on. After all, I’d have a diploma to back me up, and one of my teachers would be Harun Din!

The Star was so excited by this news, they published it twice online, with different headlines. Here’s the other one: “Course on Islamic healing“.

The Malaysian Ministry of Health has a Traditional and Complementary Medicine Division. And we wonder why we’re doing shit at Science and Maths?

Posted in Mentera Moden, Rant | 8 Comments »

“The Secret” is a piece of rubbish

November 27th, 2007 gier

Every now and then, I get people mentioning “The Secret”/Law of Attraction to me. I cannot put into words better than Catherine Bennett of the Guardian newspaper in the UK what I think of it. I reproduce a portion of her article here:

The Secret is not just a moronic hymn to greed and selfishness; it nastily suggests that victims of catastrophe are the authors of their misfortunes. Even Moira Stewart. And anyone who happened to be starved, bombed, or herded into a death camp at the same time as thousands of others. “By the law of attraction,” explains an expert on this law, “they had to be on the same frequency as the event.” Just a twiddle with their personal thought frequencies, and everyone in the cattle trucks could have been attracting friends, high grades, and lovely new cars instead.

Were it that I could be as eloquent as Ms. Bennett.

So, please stop asking me if I’ve read “The Secret” and any other similar pseudoscientific, self-help, spiritually uplifting blethering twaddle.

Posted in Lame Jokes, Rant | No Comments »

Why Are We So Shallow?

August 27th, 2007 gier

There are some days where I can really see why I should just stop this navel gazing on a blog and just faff about reading slashdot when I need a break. The object of disgust today is the following article on RPK’s Malaysia Today, titled “Dolah tertidur lagi…..” Go on, read it. Then read the comments.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the quality of the articles posted on Malaysia Today.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the quality of the readers of Malaysia Today — Your Source of Independent News.

There were a few sane voices in the comments section, but the vast majority of them … words defy me.

I would like to say here that Malaysia Today is, in actual fact, a piece of rubbish. Crap. Excrement. Offensive. If it gets shut down, it wouldn’t be too soon. “Your source of independent news” my ass! “Your source of independent lies” more like. And what’s so independent about copying and pasting news from NST, the Star, and Bernama anyway? Okay, there are some original writing there, but in what proportion? Are the blog posts that RPK copies from the original source (though attributed) considered part of Malaysia Today?

In the example given above, written by Dato’ Kamal Amir, I would like to draw readers the following paragraphs in the article:

Kononnya ada usaha dilakukan menghubungi pejabat dan kediamannya , khuatir kalau-kalau ada aral atau masalah disebabkan jemputan sudahpun memenuhi dewan seawal jam 9.00 pagi. Bisik-bisik kalangan wartawan foto menyatakan “Pak Lah masih tidur lagi!” dan majlis tersebut khabarnya terlewat lebih satu jam.

Sewaktu menerima berita yang dihantar melalui SMS oleh saudara Husein Lampo, yang kebetulan pula dari corong “hi-fi”, Ayu anak kecil saya seperti biasa memainkan pita bacaan surah Ar-Rahman oleh imam besar masjidil haram (menjadi kebiasaan kami mewarnai seisi rumah dengan aroma ayat suci al Quran setiap pagi jumaat).

Aduhai rupa-rupanya tadi malam adalah malam “sunatul jumaat” yang menjanjikan pahala kepada pasangan suami isteri untuk bermesra-mesraan sambil menggauli isteri yang halal di sisi hukum….

Maka segera menerpa di fikiran, apakah kelewatan kehadiran Perdana Menteri merasmikan majlis pelancaran buku berjudul “lilin membakar diri” kesan asyik masyuk menggauli isteri….. hingga kalampun lemah untuk berbicara membuatkan Abdullah Ahmad Badawi terlajak tidurnya hingga terlupa waktu subuh?

Terkadang naik lucu juga memikirkan kisah Abdullah Ahmad Badawi sejak mendapat isteri barunya “Madame Jeanne Danker”. Macam orang tidak pernah berbini, kalau anak muda yang baru melangsungkan perkahwinanpun masih malu-malu untuk berjalan berpimpinan tangan, tetapi Abdullah sedikitpun tidak merasa canggung dengan tingkah lakunya.

That, ladies and gentlemen, was the core of the whole idiocy, in my opinion. Proof? Pergh!!! Who needs proof when we can regress into character assassination! Let’s insinuate that the PM was too busy banging his wife, and therefore overslept, even missing Subuh prayers. Let’s add in our own religious credentials by mentioning that we listen to the Qur’an every Friday morning. And then just look at the fanboys frothing at the mouth.

If the opposition thinks that RPK and his site are credible, then all I’ve got to say is, with friends like that, you don’t need enemies.

Malaysia Today is atrocious. Please la guys, don’t la be so gullible and think that RPK’s all that. While I can concede that he’s got his good moments, the vast majority of the stuff he writes is just too full of bile, and some of his guest columnists are no better.

Oh, while we’re at it, calling names and all that, namewee’s a prick.

Posted in Rant | 3 Comments »

Gwen Stefani to wear traditional costumes in her Malaysian “Sweet Escape” Concert

August 17th, 2007 gier

Over at the bestest online comic in Malaysia, otherwise known as Malaysiakini.com, there was a report on the delectable Gwen Stefani’s upcoming concert in Malaysia, as well as the protest by a certain “National Union of Malaysian Muslim Students” a.k.a. Persatuan Kebangsaan Pelajar Islam Malaysia (PKPIM) regarding her predilection for “indecent dressing and obscenity.”

Now, it seems that Stefani “has agreed to wear traditional costumes in her Malaysian concert next week after conservative Muslim youths protested her skin-baring act, sponsors of the show said today.”

As such, PKPIM is now mollified — for the time being. The President of the PKPIM was quoted in the article as so:

Student union president Mohamed Hilmi Ramli said he was satisfied with the promise, but said he would send representatives to the show to “ensure she does not go out of line.”

I would just like to inform President Hilmi that he doesn’t have to send any representatives to the show. We here at mentera.org have received a sneak preview of one of the costumes that she will be wearing for her concert, and it is shown below. As such, we would like to respectfully request from Mr. President that the tickets they must have bought for their representatives be given to us instead. As opposed to going there looking morose and grim in ensuring that Ms. Stefani “does not go out of line”, the mentera.org representatives will on the other hand ensure that we “have a rocking good time!!!” After all, we reckon that we’ve got as much authority as PKPIM to ensure anything out of some American singer who is holding a concert here.

Posted in Mentera Moden, Rant | 2 Comments »

Analogy Overload

August 13th, 2007 gier

In an interview given to Malaysiakini, published on the 9th. of August 2007, Dato’ Norza Zakaria said that “Umno’s ‘Beckhams’ can’t be waiting forever.” The exact statement as quoted by Beh Lih Yi, Malaysiakini’s reporter is:

“It’s just like playing soccer, the good players are still on the bench. We don’t want those who are playing to come from [the era] of R Arumugam or Mokhtar Dahari when David Beckham is waiting – he can’t be warming the bench forever,” Norza, 41, told malaysiakini in an interview on Monday.

I couldn’t believe what my ears were seeing and what my eyes were hearing! I get that he was alluding to having the new guard in and letting the old guard out, but really …

Firstly, if those guys were playing on the same team, Backham would not be warming the bench at all. He’d be playing, because Arumugam and Mokhtar Dahari are both no longer with us. They’ve passed away. I don’t know whether that means that Dato’ Norza considers that the existing upper echelons of UMNO to be bangkai bernyawa, but I hope not.

Secondly, if those two were still alive, they’d still be better men than David Beckham. If nothing else, if Spiderman Arumugam or Super Mokh were to be seen wearing sarongs, they wouldn’t look like fairies. It’d actually look natural, because we Malaysians like to wear our kain pelekats in public. Further, David Beckham’s hairstyles would never match Spiderman Arumugam’s locks or Super Mokh’s mullet. So there.

In the following paragraph of the same article, Dato’ Norza (on a roll) expanded further:

Drawing another analogy, he said: “It is also like a sit-com when you have the same actors all the time. If it is 600 episodes, you have to change the actors.”

For what it’s worth, I think that sitcoms that change actors tend to crash fairly rapidly. Imagine if someone else other that Kelsey Grammer was playing Frasier? So, okay, Kirstie Alley replacing Shelley Long didn’t kill off Cheers, but that’s because Kirstie Alley was hotter than Shelley Long. Also, in Roseanne, the girl playing Becky left and was replaced by the girl now in Scrubs, but the original girl then came back … so, I think it’s obvious that I haven’t watched any recent sitcoms. And that it’s also obvious that the sitcom analogy is not a very good one to describe the situation inside a political party … on the other hand, maybe it’s the most apposite analogy you can find.

Moving forward, we have this following quote:

Norza added: “While (the government) is telling the younger generation that there is no quota from now on and it will be based on merit for those entering universities, I think it’s about time that the Umno leadership should be selected based on merit and we must lead by example.”

Now UMNO is like a university? Also, is Dato’ Norza implying that the UMNO leadership is not based on merit? Goodness! What on earth can it be based on, then?

Finally, I would like to end this with the last line in the article:

“I have started running this race, I will have to finish it,” he said.

Football, sitcoms, universities … and now a foot race … Boom Shakalaka Boom! I would just like to say, at the end of the day, once you consider all angles, looking for the optimum win-win situation, a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

Posted in Politics, Rant | 3 Comments »

Sack Senator Tajulurus Mohd Zain from UMNO!

August 1st, 2007 Mack

The above mentioned Senator recently made headlines for demanding that Idris Jala be sacked from his position as Malaysia Airlines CEO. At first I thought it was a waste of space, but then changed my mind. It’s not a waste of space if I can use it to blog about, and since blogs are the only thing that matter in the universe with the exception of porn, the said news article now is indeed a good thing.

For one, Encik Tajulurus has no business calling for anyone to be sacked. It is not his ‘urusan’. Secondly, his reason are as lame as he is, and this has led him to be blasted by a top editor in the largest read daily newspaper, and above all, a snub from the Prime Minister. The PM said it was not right to call for Idris’ removal. Quite right.

Which means that Tajulurus dah tersilap arus, last-last kena berus. Normally, this is not a problem — at least for UMNO. However, of late UMNO has suffered greatly from pompous behaviour like this. One can even say that things have gotten for ‘bad to worse’. I think it’s time UMNO did something about that.

I have some suggestions.

1.    Sack anyone who makes public statements that brings disrepute into UMNO. If they just sit down quietly and reput takpa but cakap kat press, tendang keluar. That way, nobody will dare pak chew cheng in public, embarrassing the whole party, if the likes of Zainuddin Maidin and MP from Kinabatangan has not done it already.

2.    The Supreme Council enacts an ISA-like ruling within UMNO. Belia 4B is used like RELA, and instead of being peeping-toms, they act as UMNO Police and arrest people like Tajulurus. Take them to a rehabilitation camp where they are cleansed of all the demons that possesses them when making stupid remarks to the press. Kalau boleh, bagi mandi bunga sikit, buang suey. I don’t see why this cannot be done, unless the ’supremacy’ of the Supreme Council is merely a name someone concocted while on crack, or ganja — in a flight of self grandeur.

3.    In school, some of the biggest gangsters were made prefect. Heck, the biggest gangsters in most schools were the prefects, given that the institution of having prefects is to be the faculty’s ‘enforcers’. So take the biggest gangsters in UMNO and make them prefects of sorts. Give them the power to recommend to the ‘teacher’ — in this case the UMNO Disciplinary Board — to punish people like Tajulurus by public caning. Whack kao-kao, unless they seem to enjoy it. Then rescind the punishment to other means, like cleaning all the toilets in PWTC with a toothbrush or doing the Supreme Council’s laundry for a week. Behave like a juvenile, then be treated like it, yo!

That way, you have less of these monkeys fooling around and making a mockery of UMNO. Only then can UMNO’s blogbusters a.k.a. “I ain’t afraid of no blogs, yeah” can be a credible outfit, proudly claiming we take care of things from the inside.

Think about it. Hehe.

Posted in Rant | 1 Comment »

When you find yourself thinking along communal lines …

May 10th, 2007 gier

Something was bothering me about my post yesterday, and after thinking over it, I discovered what it was: I was blethering about bantai-ing other Malaysians. Amazing! There I was thinking that I’m a fairly race-agnostic kinda guy, and I go off about beating the shit out of my Chinese, Indian and Dan Lain-lain brothers and sisters. That I want to do it fairly and squarely was beside the point. The fact that I want to do it at all is really embarrassing.

It all goes to show that the way Malaysia has been set up is so divisive that without even realising it, we can find ourselves thinking along communal lines. Just about the only area in which I think Malaysians don’t think along communal lines is in sport. We are mainly united in supporting our sporting heroes — like Manchester United, Chelsea, Brazil, and the odd Malaysian doubles in badminton. Oh, and Nicol David (because she’s hot).

And in 1996 it was, I think, our local footballers were united in accepting bribes to fix games in the Malaysian League. I recall players from all races were banned for life. It warms the cockles of my heart when I think about that, and the fact that until today, Malaysian football is yet to recover. After all, if we still had an amazing local league like in the ’70s and ’80s, we could all have been in Stadium Merdeka watching Selangor beat Singapore in the final, instead of quaffing Tiger beer on Saturday nights watching the English Premier League, wearing pirated copies of English clubs’ jerseys.

Anyhow, I would like to sincerely apologise to all my Malaysian brothers and sisters for such a terrible post. Especially to the Indians, because they will become our new overlords according to Tengku Adnan. We should all unite, together, in body and spirit. We should band together as a single, unified front. So that we can then all go and bantai the Thais for beating us regularly in sepak takraw and the Singaporeans for … well … being Singaporeans.

Posted in Lame Jokes, Rant | No Comments »

Competition the Bumiputra way

May 9th, 2007 gier

On Sunday, there was that report in the NST about the regulations imposed by a couple of banks, which required at least one bumiputra partner with at least a 50% stake in a firm before it can do any business with the banks. The relevant paragraphs are the first two in the article, as reproduced here (without permission, but under fair use — see Copyright Act 1987):

A new regulation by two major banks that requires Bumiputera legal firms’ involvement has irked the legal community.

The regulation requires law firms to have a minimum of three partners of which one must be Bumiputera with a minimum 50 per cent stake in the firm before they can do any business with the banks.

Now, the following day, there was this article in Berita Harian, quoting the Yang Dipertua Dewan Perniagaan Melayu Malaysia (DPMM) Kuala Lumpur, Datuk Syed Amin Al-Jeffri, saying:

“Dalam apa juga perniagaan yang kita lakukan, perlu ada usaha sama yang tulen antara kaum, itulah semangat Malaysia.

“Apa salahnya pembabitan semua kaum dalam apa juga perniagaan, pembabitan semua pihak dapat memenuhi kehendak rakyat Malaysia,� katanya ketika dihubungi Berita Harian, semalam.

The entire article was also reproduced (with permission) at the Bar Council website. Read the comments made in that site, while you’re at it, yah? The article’s title is: “Majlis Peguam tak patut persoal syarat baru bank”.

What’s wrong with the picture above?

On the one hand, we have a couple of banks enforcing a discriminatory rule, favouring one race over others. On the other hand, one person representing the interests of that favoured race says that the move is a laudatory one because it allows all races to be involved in business so that it would “memenuhi kehendak rakyat Malaysia”.

As one of those “rakyat” flers, I don’t recall being asked whether it’s my desire or not to have that ruling.

Ok, so it’s not that simple. The Datuk was saying that having bumiputra partnership in ALL the law firms wanting to do business with the two banks is a good thing. This is because it would help the bumiputras, being the backward, inbred tits that we are. But, the problem there is, the choice has been removed from the law firms who don’t actually have bumiputra partners owning at least half of the firm. In other words, if you’re non-bumis, the best you can do is just work half as hard while the Malay chap carries the rest. If the Malay chap is a lazy arse and only works a quarter as hard (that’s 25% for the hard of counting), then the non-bumis will have to work three-quarters as hard, but with still only half the returns.

The point is this: as a Malay, I would like to compete on an equal footing with my Chinese, Indian and Dan Lain-lain brothers and sisters so that when I beat the shit out of them, I can say that I did it fairly and squarely. Further, if they beat the shit out of me, at least I don’t get the feeling that I got the shitters beaten out of me by opponents that I’ve blindfolded, one arm tied behind their backs and with a leg chopped off.

It’s a matter of pride.

Posted in Rant | 2 Comments »

Who to bantai — a guide

March 15th, 2007 gier

I’m sure regular blog readers are aware of Tengku Adnan’s statement with regards to bloggers and their lying tendencies. For those who aren’t, you can walk with these people:

1. Susan Loone’s post
2. Liz Wong’s post
3. Marina Mahathir’s post, and
4. Rocky’s post

Now, apart from saying that most unemployed bloggers are women (ah so, but are they hot or not?) and that they’re liars, he also allegedly said that these bloggers with incite the country as so:

“Malays will kill Chinese, Chinese will kill Malays, Indians will kill everybody else.”

Since we here at mentera.org are very helpful people, we have prepared a “kill matrix” so that the more cerebrally challenged among us will know where to target.

The matrix is to be read left-to-right. So, as you can see, I have faithfully translated Tengku Adnan’s (alleged) claim regarding the bloggers’ inclinations into a “visual” format, because a picture is worth a thousand words, plus minus one or two. If we are to expand on the matrix, we can see that the winners in all this are the Indians. Because one would presume that the Malays and the Chinese would bantai each other to oblivion while the Indians mop up the “dan lain-lain”. In order to keep things simple, I would assume that the Chindians, Melacins, Mamaks, Serani, Portugis, and other rojaks are all under Others. Also, the Mamaks cannot cheat and say that they’re Indians, ok. Unless your IC says you’re Indian and not bumiputera. I suppose you can side with the Indians if that’s the case.

Posted in Politics, Rant | 8 Comments »

We can be communal, as long as we’re not communists …

March 1st, 2007 gier

Recently, I self-enrolled myself into a certificate course at the RPK School of Journalism. After going through the course, I self-tested myself and found me to be competent and self-awarded the certificate. That this was all done by myself on myself is in keeping with what I consider to be the main thrusts of the RPKSoJ’s teachings, which are:

1. Never let facts get in the way of a good story.
2. Extrapolate available facts as far as possible.
3. When writing about personalities, write as if you know them well. It makes you sound credible.
4. Don’t use a sentence to express an idea when you can use at least five.
5. Commit copyright violation by wholesale lifting of articles from other online sources (I failed this module, but that’s ok).

Given the above, I am thinking that I should write this post in the approved RPKSoJ style. So, here goes:

It was a dark and stormy night; Amir Muhammad had been tossing and turning in his bed for an hour and a bit, trying to find an accommodating position to drift into sleep and failing spectacularly even though he had checked to see whether there was a pea under the mattress (not that it would have made much difference since he’s not a princess, nor for that matter a queen). Actually, it wasn’t exactly dark and stormy, since the sky was cloudless. It wasn’t even night, since it was actually 2 in the afternoon. However, it felt like a dark and stormy night, because he had the air-conditioning on and the curtains closed.

He finally admitted to himself that his restlessness was not due to any unidentified object under the mattress but was instead due to the banning of his latest film “Apa Khabar Orang Kampung” (AKOK). He reflected that the reasons given by the Internal Ministry were a little condescending and noted that 18 years after the end of the cold war, we seem to be the only country in the world still fighting it. This is probably okay, as long as Beijing and Cuba don’t find out.

He then sat down and penned an appeal to the Censorship Board, except that he didn’t quite pen it, since it was typed on the computer. After which, apropos to nothing, he considered calling Jean Danker to congratulate her on her marriage to the Malaysian Prime Minister. He had met Danker once at a World AIDS Day party hosted by Marina Mahathir, which meant that they are now bosom buddies.

The banning of both his “communist” movies show that there still are some people who are worried about alternate views of the country’s history. The communist bogey, even after all these years remain a cause for concern. On the other hand, the fact that our political system is divided along communal lines does not seem to be too much of a problem, apparently.

Maybe things will change someday, just not today. Not yet.

Posted in Rant | No Comments »